What’s my purpose in life? Will anyone remember me when I die? Is my existence objectively meaningless? Is God dead? Do I even exist? What does it even mean to “exist”?

For effective, fast-acting relief from the crushing existential dread brought on by asking yourself questions such as these, four out of five philosophers recommend Tylenol.

At least, according to a new study published in Psychological Science.

Lead researcher Daniel Randles says the study sought to determine whether existential dread, like that which occurs when you’re reminded of your mortality, is processed by the brain in the same manner as physical pain – and could therefore be alleviated by a simple pain reliever like acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol.

Randles and his team decided to test their theory with two different experiments.

In the first experiment, participants were given either Tylenol or a placebo. Then they were divided into two groups. Group one was asked to write about what would happen to their bodies after they die, while group two was asked to write about having dental pain. Then, all participants had to read an arrest report about a prostitute and determine what her bail should be set at.

Previous research shows that when experiencing an existential threat, people have a tendency to want to assert their values in order to regain a feeling of control. Therefore, researchers predicted the participants who had been existentially disturbed would be harsher in their judgment of the prostitute.

They were correct. The participants who wrote about dental pain tended to set the bail at around $300. The participants who wrote about death but received a placebo set the bail about 40 percent higher than those in the control group. The participants who wrote about death but took a Tylenol set the bail lower, thus “proving” that acetaminophen can be useful in managing an existential crisis.

I see one very glaring flaw in this experiment, though. If people facing an existential threat tend to “assert their values,” did anyone check to see what the participants thought about prostitution? The researchers seem to have made the assumption that everyone considers prostitution a moral offense. This oversight could have easily skewed the results, especially if the sample size was small.

The second experiment involved participants – half of whom were given a placebo and half of whom were given Tylenol – being made to watch (no joke) a “surreal video” by director David Lynch, apparently to induce existential dread. Afterwards, the placebo group judged a group of rioters at a hockey game harshly, while the Tylenol group were more tolerant.

“For people who suffer from chronic anxiety, or are overly sensitive to uncertainty, this work may shed some light on what is happening and how their symptoms could be reduced,” said Randles.

As a person who suffers from chronic anxiety and, due to an unrelated medical condition, pops Tylenol like it’s my job, I’ve gotta say … I don’t think acetaminophen is doing much to alleviate my near-constant existential dread.

Thankfully, the researchers have decided more studies need to be done before acetaminophen can be designated an effective anxiety treatment. In the meantime, I suggest those suffering under the crushing weight of their own mortality stay in bed and avoid David Lynch movies.