Charlotte Hannah
August 19, 2013

Spreadsheets App Turns Your Bedroom Adventures Into a Weird Game (VIDEO)

You know that dumb game kids play where they add the words “in bed” to the end of a friend’s sentence to make the most mundane things sound vaguely dirty? For example:

“I think I’d like to go see a movie tonight.” “…in bed!

“I’m really excited to eat this cake.” “…in bed! Tee hee hee!

Well, there’s a new iPhone app out, and I can only assume its creation was the result of someone playing this game.

“I really like using this iPhone app to keep track of my workouts.” “…IN BED.”

And then a heavenly light descended from the sky and the Spreadsheets app (GET IT?!) was born. That’s the only explanation I have for the existence of an iPhone app that tracks people’s performance in the sack and essentially turns sex into a game, complete with high scores to beat and achievement badges to earn. Also, their slogan is literally “Data. In bed.” so I doubt I’m far off.

Here, watch this vaguely NSFW promo video that explains very little about how the app actually works:

OK, here’s my beef with the Spreadsheets app. It bills itself as “quantified self-tracking for couples to improve intimacy” – but the problem is, “improve” is a pretty subjective term.

The app scores your performance based on metrics like total number of thrusts, how long the encounter lasts and its peak decibel level, and tracks them over time. (To collect this data, the phone must be left on the bed while you get busy. Romantic!)

But who says lengthy, loud and thrust-heavy makes for the best possible time? Zero out of the two folks I surveyed agreed that a long encounter with lots of thrusting and screaming was the pinnacle of sex. The people have spoken. But seriously, sometimes amazing sexual encounters happen and there’s no thrusting whatsoever. Mindblowing.

Plus, there’s the gamification aspect. Having achievements to earn isn’t the worst thing ever. For a couple with an already satisfying sex life, adding a little extra challenge might be kind of fun.

But going through the motions to get a high score isn’t going to improve an intimate relationship that lacks compatibility and communication. And if I see “So-and-so has improved his endurance by three minutes!” show up on my Facebook feed, so help me God …

That said, I would really like to be a fly on the wall while this breakup plays out:

“I’m not sure we should keep seeing each other. I don’t think we’re very compatible in bed.”

“But baby, our Spreadsheets score is so high!”