Amanda Pendolino
August 08, 2013

‘Semi-Professional Networker’ Spams Strangers to Find ‘Very Skinny,’ Perfect Woman

He’s a surgeon. He’s got an MBA from NYU. But somehow he’s completely clueless when it comes to both networking and dating.

A marketing guru has posted a hilarious (and horrifying) article about his contact with a unnamed single dude who showed up late to a networking event and then spammed everyone he met there with absurd demands in his quest to find the perfect date.

Trust me, read the whole thing — but here are some highlights from his email:

i was very late to last night’s event, so i only got to meet a small fraction of you guys (i tried to hurry, but you really can’t hurry-up surgery!)

sorry about this mass email, but it’s more efficient on my end. i’m also kind of a “semi-professional networker” with 10,000 people in my gmail contacts list, 1,000 friends on my various FB accts (even though i don’t use FB myself), 1,000 followers on Twitter, and google will “auto populate” my name, so perhaps some of you “beginning” networkers will learn some tips of how i’m always trying to create a “win-win” (this skill set was stressed a lot when i got my MBA from NYU)

my situation is somewhat unusual in that i am the #1 surgeon of my type in the northeastern US by volume, and have performed nearly 20,000 procedures over the last 15 years, so i really don’t need additional income (which is the unusual part). i’m actually so successful that most of the reason i attend networking events these days is for personal networking, not business networking–i’m trying to meet the right woman to fall in love with, marry, and start a family with (i’m single, never married, and really want kids before i’m old!)

Sorry I was late. But I’m the shit and you need to help me procreate because the world needs more of me!

if you (or any of your friends) like playing matchmaker, please read my preferences/parameters below and try to help me out.

please send me the parameters and picture of the potential setup, so i can say if i’m interested, before you start introducing us (otherwise it’s kind of awkward then saying that i’m not interested).

Now, at least the guy isn’t expecting you to help for free. You can get $100 for setting him up on a date, free Latisse (that’s the procedure for women who suffer from the “condition” of too-short eyelashes) for a second date, free Botox for a third date, and even free LASIK on one eye for a fifth date.

But as you might imagine, this dude is picky. He has several “hard” parameters that aren’t flexible:

  1. Age 27-35 (ideally 28-34)
  2. No kids, wants kids in the next 1-2 years
  3. College graduate, doesn’t have to be a great school, but needs to have finished the degree
  4. Skinny (i.e. dress size 0-2, if you don’t know what that means (many men don’t) it means very skinny)
  5. Caucasian (not black, not Hispanic, not Asian)
  6. Healthy lifestyle (defined as no smoking, no drugs, good diet, no hard drinking,

Then there are the flexible criteria — religion, grad degree, love of pets — and “soft” parameters that are hard to find, but still required:

  1. Attractive (like an 8 out of the 1-10 scale, 9-10 is actually bad as it comes with a lot of downside)
  2. Nice, normal, sweet, kind, altruistic, selfless, not entitled, bitchy, materialistic, selfish, self-centered
  3. Stylish, fashionable, polished, confident but not vain, superficial, overly concerned about looks
  4. Hard-working, real career, full-time job (unless in graduate school), achievement-oriented
  5. Highly functional Type B (not a Type A because too similar, not a Type B who can’t get stuff done)
  6. Easy-going, sense of humor, doesn’t take life or things too seriously, gets along well with everyone
  7. Good person, follows the Golden Rule, nice and kind to others, never does bad things because of values
  8. Good family, good role models, ideally good nuclear family so can emulate good patterns of behavior

The “golden rule” one really gets me going. This guy clearly follows that, and is also altruistic, selfless and not entitled, right? He also wants a “very skinny” woman who’s not overly concerned about looks! Yay!

Probably the saddest thing about reading this email is that a post in Elle‘s Ask E. Jean column last year features a guy just as clueless (or perhaps even more clueless) about finding a woman.

Some women out there are desperate to find a date, too — but at least the ad exec who offered her friends $10,000 to find her a husband was self-deprecating, funny and generous with her cash.

I wonder if anyone introduced their single friends to this guy in the hopes of getting longer eyelashes. Something tells me he’s still single …