Charlotte Hannah
July 15, 2013

Let Snails Goober on Your Face in the Name of Beauty (VIDEO)

Move over, blood facials – there’s a new stupid skin treatment in town. Introducing: snail facials!

That’s right, folks: a spa in Japan is offering a new game show facial treatment called the Celebrity Escargot Course, and it involves having several live snails placed on your face, all in the name of looking hot.

The spa, called Clinical Salon, currently employs five “organic” snails (what does that even mean?) who are fed nothing but organically grown vegetables and presumably feel pretty smug about it. Allegedly, the slime these lil’ gastropods barf out is full of a “beauty-boosting cocktail of proteins, antioxidants and hyaluronic acid, which help skin retain moisture, reduce inflammation and remove dead skin.”

So, yeah. Just sit back and allow yourself to drift into a state of deep relaxation as a bunch of gross snails goober all over your face.

Feel their little feeler thingies tickle your nostrils and eyelashes. Think about how you’re allowing a weird garden-dwelling creature to excrete its natural lubricant out of its glands and onto your skin. Think really hard about the word “glands.” Question your life choices.

I don’t doubt that snail slime contains the proteins and whatnot that its supporters claim it does. Well, I kind of do, but it’s Monday and I’m not in the mood to vet the efficacy of yet another ridiculous beauty treatment, so I’m just going to operate under the assumption that they’re telling the truth.

But like, isn’t there a way to use the snails’ magic healing mucus that’s less gross than letting a few of them sucker onto your face and motor around for a bit?

Yes. Yes, there is. There are so many face creams that are infused with snail mucus. In fact, some of them are used during the Celebrity Escargot Course, after the part with glands and the excretion and the natural lube. So basically that part with the live snails is just for effect.

Rich people, I’ll never understand you.