Charlotte Hannah
June 14, 2013

Please Don’t Give Your Money to a Pet Psychic

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What’s your dog thinking about? Not a whole lot, probably, but that’s not stopping pet owners from paying to “find out.”

According to a new trend piece from the Associated Press, more and more pet owners are turning to pet psychics and – I shit you not – dog tarot cards. Which is cool, I guess, except the phrase “legitimate psychic” is an oxymoron and psychics have a tendency to charge a lot of money for their extrasensory deceptions.

Pet psychic Jocelyn Kessler, for example, charges about $350 per session. Laura Stinchfield charges $115 per half hour for a phone consultation. Sonya Fitzpatrick charges $300 for a 30-minute reading over the phone.

“The pet can be anywhere,” says Fitzpatrick. “Telepathic communication works no matter where you are.”

Of course, if you don’t want to drop that kind of cash on a psychic reading, you can always look into the significantly cheaper option of dog tarot cards – an item that looks to be a gag gift for dog lovers, but is described in the AP article like it’s legitimate. One couple, Andrea Gladstone and David Radis, decided to consult the Major and Minor Barkana (not joking) when their dog was having some issues with chewing. Rather than reading up on animal body language or talking to a dog expert, they purchased The Original Dog Tarot: Divine the Canine Mind.

Here’s an actual quote from the AP story:

“They spread the deck on the floor, then asked LoLa why she chewed up her puppy training book and the Dog Tarot guide.

The answers, they divined from the three cards she picked  — The Cat, the Pack and Justice — was that she was insecure with her place in the new home and wrecked the books to establish her security and see if they held grudges.”

Now, I’m no psychic, but my expert opinion is that LoLa chewed up her books because she’s a f**king dog.

You really want to know what your canine companion is thinking? I’ll tell you how to find out for exactly zero dollars. That’s a savings of both several hundred bucks and your dignity!

First, stare deep into your pup’s eyes. Deeper. Now, recapture her attention, as she’s now staring intently at a man who just walked by outside. Look, Fido, look! Over here!

Got her? OK, now touch her paws as you gaze into those soulful eyes, and – no, Fido, stay! Hey, come back here!

Looks like she lost interest and left. That’s OK. There’s really only about three things a dog is capable of thinking anyway. Pick one of the following and you’ve got a one in three chance of knowing exactly what your dog is thinking at any given time, which is probably better odds than what these pet psychics can offer:

  • I am going to eat that.
  • Give me the pettings now, please. Yes, I like the pettings. I am a good dog.

But seriously – if your dog is having behavioral issues, talk to an expert!