Smarts
Charlotte Hannah
May 09, 2013

Ridiculous Boob Plate Armor Would Totally Get You Killed


If you’ve got a female character in a movie, video game or comic book who needs to don armor, unless the plot involves her pretending to be a man for some reason, chances are she’s going to be wearing boob plate armor.

The reason for this, one assumes, is that regular armor, with its practical design that minimizes the wearer’s chances of getting eviscerated, just isn’t all that sexy. It’s necessarily designed to cover and protect the body – but alas, in doing so, deprives onlookers of the boobage they so desperately crave.

Enter: boob plate armor. Sure, it covers the cleave, but it allows the woman beneath to serve her purpose as an ornament by perfectly outlining and accentuating her breasts. Huzzah!

Now we can all tell that the kickass warrior under that armor is a lady, so we don’t make the grave mistake of valuing her for something other than her sex appeal!

I will say this: on the one hand, at least boob plate armor is real armor that covers the majority of the chest area, rather than, say, this:

THIS IS NOT EFFECTIVE AS ARMOR.
Via: Massively

But on the other hand, really? Is there anywhere in the media we can depict a woman as a human being with positive qualities that have nothing to do with the way she looks, rather than a human being who’s also smokin’ hot am I right you guys? Look at those boobies, yeaaahhhhhh!

Thankfully, here’s Emily Asher-Perrin of Tor.com to explain why boob plate armor is not only unnecessarily sexed-up considering its primary function is to protect a person in battle – but also, completely ineffective as armor.

“Let’s begin by stating the simple purpose of plate armor—to deflect blows from weaponry. Assuming that you are avoiding the blow of a sword, your armor should be designed so that the blade glances off your body, away from your chest. If your armor is breast-shaped, you are in fact increasing the likelihood that a blade blow will slide inward, toward the center of your chest, the very place you are trying to keep safe.

“But that’s not all! Let’s say you even fall onto your boob-conscious armor. The divet separating each breast will dig into your chest, doing you injury. It might even break your breastbone. With a strong enough blow to the chest, it could fracture your sternum entirely, destroying your heart and lungs, instantly killing you. It is literally a death trap—you are wearing armor that acts as a perpetual spear directed at some of your most vulnerable body parts. It’s just not smart.”

So there you have it. More practical armor for lady characters, please!