Charlotte Hannah
April 22, 2013

Tittooing Trend Gives You a New Reason to Hate Yourself

“Oh my God, Becky — look at her nipples!”

Just when you thought you might finally be Good Enough – you lipo-ed that dangly skin off your upper arms, lasered every last hair from your body, cultivated an acceptably-sized thigh gap, tucked in that tiny pouch of fat below your bellow button and de-wrinkled your decrepit Cryptkeeper hands — here’s yet another tiny detail of your appearance for you to fret over!

Did you know that there’s such thing as a “perfect nipple,” and that you probably don’t have them? Yep, it’s true: your ugly areolae are neither large nor dark enough. The horror!

Luckily, you can get your nasty nips fixed right up with a trendy new procedure called nipple tattooing, or “tittooing” as it has unfortunately been dubbed. According to the Telegraph, this treatment – which was originally developed for breast cancer survivors – is going mainstream in England, which means it’s only a matter of time until one of the Kardashians films herself getting hers done.

Tittooing is pretty much what it sounds like. The nipples and surrounding area are numbed with a local anesthetic and new, “better” ones are tattooed on. It takes about two hours for both nipples, costs around $1,800 and lasts for only about 12 to 18 months.

If you’re wondering who would pay that much money for a temporary, wholly unnecessary procedure, the answer is “lots of folks,” apparently.

“A lot of people want their nipples made darker. It’s the fashion. Some people think theirs are too pink or their boyfriends want them done,” says clinician Gail Proudman to the Telegraph. I’m seriously having a hard time imagining a conversation that begins with a guy saying, “Babe, I wish you had bigger areolae,” but maybe I’m just naive.

“The girls get them done so they can go topless and not be embarrassed, or when they’re in a changing room and getting changed. They can go on holiday in front of their partners, go for massages, spray tans and just not be conscious of their body,” Proudman continues.

Really? This is a thing we’re supposed to be embarrassed about now? Before, the only thing I worried about in a change room was the possibility of picking up a communicable disease from someone who didn’t shower. On the massage table, I’ve worried about accidentally making an awkward noise. But now I’m supposed to torture myself with the thought that either some random naked woman or a trained professional might judge me for my woefully tiny, pale nipples?

No thanks. The only nipple tattoo I need in my life is this one of Thom Yorke’s face: