Charlotte Hannah
March 20, 2013

Model Natalia Paris Pretty Sure Chicken Turns Kids Gay

Colombian model/future brain scientist Natalia Paris has a groundbreaking theory that just might change everything we thought we knew about sexual orientation. Using the extremely accurate method of Just Making Stuff Up, she’s discovered exactly what it is that’s turning the world’s youth gay (dun dun dun!). Not only is her theory super scientific and totally based on facts, it also sounds really delicious.

It’s chicken. Or, more specifically, the hormones that are injected into some chickens. Kids eat it, and BAM! They’re gay.

“These seven-, eight-, nine- and 10-year-old children [who are eating chicken] are having their feminine hormones accelerated … and are starting to become homosexual,” she said in a clip captured by Colombia’s CaracolTV.

Maybe she’s on to something. I surveyed one of my gay friends in an attempt to get to the bottom of the issue. To my utter shock, she revealed that as a child, she did indeed consume a moderate amount of chicken. But then I remembered … so did I, and so did every other kid who grew up in North America. Chicken’s cheap, tasty and in just about everything.

Keep in mind that Paris isn’t just some nobody — in Colombia, she’s a well-known public figure. She’s also not the first to make this ridiculous assertion. At the World People’s Summit on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth in 2010, Bolivian President Evo Morales blamed the hormones in chicken for causing men to “stray from being men,” which most interpreted to mean being gay.

In a way, I kind of wish this was true. Those Chick-Fil-A guys would have a fit when they found out their precious poultry was giving kids an incurable case of teh gay.


Before anyone points this out, let it be known that I think artificial hormones in food are a real problem. I just take issue with the assertion that something can turn kids gay. I think we can all agree that’s ridiculous.

Now … is anyone else hungry?