Charlotte Hannah
February 19, 2013

Courtney Stodden Introduces Alter Ego, Proves She’s Secretly a Performance Artist (VIDEO)

In case you haven’t heard, Courtney Stodden is a double D-list celebrity who rocketed to pseudo-stardom after getting hitched to some old guy named Doug Hutchison at the tender, alleged age of 16. She’s a “singer” (trust me, the scare quotes are necessary here), PETA spokeswoman and model.

I haven’t yet figured out whether she’s completely insane or the most genius performance artist of our time.

I know what you’re thinking: Courtney Stodden, a genius performance artist? What are you smoking, and can I have some? Well, just hear me out. And no, you can’t have some.

Exhibit A: Courtney’s “music,” if you could call it that, is mind-rendingly awful. Listening to it doesn’t just hurt your ears; it hurts your soul. When you listen to Courtney’s songs, a part of you dies. This isn’t an exaggeration. It’s hard to believe that a person could seriously write and record a song like “Don’t Put It On Me,” and even harder to believe that nobody involved in the process put a stop to it.

Exhibit B: Every detail of her life reads like tabloid fiction. She’s a “good Christian girl” who dropped out of high school after apparently being bullied for her looks and finished her schooling through an online Christian academy. Hoping to someday make it big in showbiz, she took an online acting workshop at age 16 – a course that just so happened to be taught by occasional, mediocre actor Doug Hutchison.

As the story goes, Doug didn’t know Courtney was a teenager. The two fell in love, and after Doug asked Courtney’s parents for their permission, they got married in Vegas. She’s his third wife.

The strange pair made headlines for their creepy relationship, and Courtney’s been famous ever since. Now, she milks her 15 minutes in the only way she knows how: by being scandalous and ludicrously sexual at every possible opportunity.

She got kicked out of a family event at a pumpkin patch for being dressed and acting inappropriately with her husband. She runs errands in a skin-tight minidress and six-inch Lucite heels. She publicly comments on her and Doug’s sex life. She poses for numerous sexy photo shoots. She makes herself up (and possibly has had work done) to the point where many have speculated that she wasn’t underage when she married Doug – that the whole thing was a publicity stunt.

Photo credit: GSI Media

Oh, and she and Doug have a dog named Dourtney. Dourtney. If that’s not proof that her personality is a carefully constructed facade, I don’t know what is.

She’s a parody of a pop star, and it’s almost as if she planned it that way. It’s like she designed her whole existence to satirize and turn a mirror on our sex and celebrity-obsessed culture.

If you’re not convinced yet, feel free to take a gander at this video titled “My Sister Courtina” that Courtney recently uploaded to her official YouTube channel. In it, a brown-haired, bronzer-bathed Courtney – er, sorry, “Courtina” – introduces herself to the world and explains how she came to discover that she’s actually Courtney’s long-lost sister.

There’s no way a human being could possibly be this stupid. There just isn’t. I refuse to believe it.