This Just In: Even Celebrities Have Embarrassing Parents
No matter who you are or how cool you consider yourself, the moment you become a parent, you also become embarrassing as hell.
If you even so much as acknowledge your offspring – nevermind show any emotion toward them — in public, they’ll pretend they don’t know you. When you’re not around, they’ll tell their friends how totally lame you are. You can’t escape it. That’s just how it is.
Of course, the joke’s on them, because the moment you become a parent, you’re also bestowed with the ability to not give a hoot that some punk kid thinks you’re lamesauce, whatever that means. Which you can totally take advantage of by purposely embarrassing them at every possible opportunity.
This ability was recently demonstrated at the SAG Awards by Karen and Gary Lawrence, parents of actress Jennifer Lawrence. Their impressive technique is sure to be studied by parents for years to come.
Jennifer (probably feeling the sting of guilt only a parent can deliver) brought her folks along to the awards show, where she picked up an award for her role in Silver Linings Playbook. Karen and Gary knew they’d been given a rare chance to embarrass their talented, famous daughter on a national stage, and they milked it for all it was worth.
When a reporter for Entertainment Tonight noticed them backstage, they sprang into action.
“I’m so proud. I feel like I’ve got the Secretariat in the Derby,” Gary gushed.
What does that even mean, Dad?
It doesn’t matter. As Jennifer’s face began to redden, Gary knew that Operation Embarrass Spawn was off to a solid start. Karen took it from there, laying down some impressive embarrassment while busting out a subtle denial of her true, devious intent:
“I just can’t stop crying,” Karen said. “I don’t have anything to say because we’ll embarrass her. We always do!”
See that inconspicuous yet powerful piece of parental guilt she casually threw in at the end? Simply exquisite. Top notch embarrassment maneuver.
She then followed it up with a killing blow: the difficult but incredibly effective “heaping praise technique,” which is frequently used but rarely mastered by practitioners of the parental arts. Observe:
“I’m so proud because she’s remained who she is throughout this whole process and it hasn’t changed her. That’s what I’m proud of,” she explained. “I don’t care whether she wins or loses necessarily, but because she won and she’s stayed strong and true to herself, that’s what makes me proud.”
Jennifer blushed and covered her face, exclaiming, “God, this is embarrassing.”