5 Things I Would Definitely Do If I Were a Guy for a Day (PHOTOS)
Let’s say my biggest dream came true and I was granted the ability to become a guy for 24 hours. What would I do with that time?
Okay, it’s not my first fantasy, but it is a sweet idea.
It would be kinda like Freaky Friday except that instead of becoming my mom, I’d get endowed with a man body and its accompanying penis. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for including “mom” and “penis” in the same sentence.
So, to prepare for my (imagined) 24-hour stint as a man, I decided to ask my boyfriend and some of my guy friends what makes being a man so rad, and what should I look forward to during this metamorphosis? They gave me some great ideas.
I also asked some of my lady friends, and believe it or not, they were mostly drawn to the idea of having a penis and what they would do with said penis. Keep it classy, ladies.
Here are 5 things I would definitely do if I were a guy for a day.
5. Investigate my man parts
This is a given, and I would be crazy not to explore my new guy anatomy.
Besides the potential for doing the penis helicopter, which personal experience tells me every guy does at least four times a day, I would definitely be blown away by the mere act of peeing while standing up. No longer would I have to rely on my P-Mate. I could just put that contraption back in the closet until I regained my female body.
I figure having a penis is akin to getting a birthday present that you just can’t stop playing with. Well, for the first few hours and / or days before you grow bored of it. However, I doubt guys get bored playing with their man parts. It seems to be an integral part of being a man. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a guy adjusting his man parts all nonchalantly.
4. Get my freak on
Playing with my man parts would have to be the most mesmerizing part of my day. I mean, if a guy could transform into a gal, it would definitely be the same case. But being a man, I would want a lady friend to see if my plumbing was up to snuff.
This would only work if I could find a lady to help me out. I imagine the conversation would go like this:
Me: Listen Betty, it’s Nok. I know I look and sound like a man, but I need your help.
Betty: What tha?
Me: I need for you to engage in some sexy time with me. But it’s for research purposes ONLY.
Betty: *slaps me across the face*
But let’s just say that I do find a female human to lie with me. What would it be like? Since it would technically be my first time, I’m sure it would be the best two minutes of my life. I’m sure of it.
3. Get into a fight
I don’t know how many times I’ve had to tell my guy friends to calm down or not to engage in wrestling matches at friendly gatherings.
Okay, it’s been twice.
But that’s still two more times than if I had been hanging out with a group of all ladies. Maybe it’s all that testosterone, or it’s some kind of male bonding ritual. Perhaps wrestling in man-world is the equivalent to a coffee date in lady-world.
I was a wrestler in grade school (silver medal!) and I can understand the thrill of pinning someone. It would be sweet to have the strength of a guy. Is it weird that I’ve always wanted to wrestle with the strength of a male?
Wrestling and fighting are two different things, I realize. I’ve been in a few squabbles as a child, but to actually get that physical with someone has gotta be an intense experience. There must be a reason why guys are so into WWE, UFC and boxing. Maybe it’s just seeing two guys duke it out. It’s a primal thing. Plus, all that testosterone, right?
You get into a disagreement, you fight about it, it’s squashed. None of this passive aggression and two-facedness that mark some female relationships.
2. Go shopping for man clothes
I know what you’re thinking: no decent man would want to go shopping on his day off, but stay with me for a sec.
This one threw me for a loop. I was actually in the dark about this whole shopping dilemma. It’s true, I don’t shop very often, mainly because shopping stresses me out. Other times, I end up with a skirt I never wear, or shopping delirium takes over and I sleepwalk-shop two pairs of shoes and completely forget about them by the time I get home.
A 32-inch waist by a 32-inch inseam: that’s the universal language of tailors. Guy’s clothing sizes have this common sense element. But a size 8 or a size 10 (which, of course, varies depending on which store you’re in): that’s the language of women pulling their hair out.
As a guy I could just walk into a man’s clothing store and pick items at my leisure: I will take one in the green and that one in the grey, please.
1. Grow some man hairs
This has got to be the best part about being a man. Nothing can get a gasp and smile like a shocking ‘stache. Lately, it’s been a common occurrence with Movember going strong.
Growing man hairs on your face is a rite of passage and signals to other dudes that you can wrestle a bear and chop a block of wood.
I can only compare a 5 o’clock shadow with the transforming power of makeup.
Look at all these glorious examples of facial hairstyles:
There’s so much diversity in ‘stache and beard growth. It opens a whole new world of manliness. Albeit, my 24 hours as a man wouldn’t produce any man hairs worth noting, but it’s the #1 thing I would definitely do if I was a guy for a day.
Some honorable mentions included: Ask for a raise, pick up a lady, get ready in five minutes, and pee on a tree.
What would you do if you were a guy for a day?