Charlotte Hannah
June 28, 2012

Bath Salts Not Responsible for Miami Cannibal Attack

Despite what the media has spent the past month reporting, it seems that bath salts were not the culprit in the now-famous ‘Miami Cannibal’ incident. According to the toxicology report done on Rudy Eugene, the only drug in his system at the time of the attack was marijuana.

“The department’s toxicology laboratory has identified the active components of marijuana,” said a statement released by the medical examiner. “The laboratory has tested for but not detected any other street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs, or any adulterants found in street drugs.”

For those of you who maybe have never heard of this new concept called ‘the news’, Rudy Eugene was shot and killed by police during a vicious attack in which he tore a homeless man named Ronald Poppo’s face off. The attack occurred in public, in broad daylight, and both Eugene and Poppo were naked.

Contrary to earlier reports, no human flesh was found in Eugene’s stomach, meaning that he was not, in fact, a cannibal.

Poppo survived, though he is permanently disfigured. He lost about 75% of his face in the attack, although new reports say he may be eligible for a face transplant.

No doubt, some people will jump all over this as ‘evidence’ that we need to step up the war on drugs. But the fact is, marijuana isn’t known to cause psychosis in sane people (and it seems likely at this point that Eugene had some sort of mental illness). Stoners aren’t out there eating faces – just Taquitos and Pizza Pops slathered in ranch dressing.